LEARNING HOW TO SWIM LIKE A SHARK, AND SURVIVING A TOUGHER MARKET

.,If you are reading this than you fall into one of 2 catagories; either you were one of the people who, for the last 4 months, continuously talked shit behind my back and/or to my face about how “disgusting” and “skinny” I looked, or you were one of the people who had to listen to me while I vented because I was practically brought to tears and wanted to pull my hair out in frustration on a daily basis (multiple times a day).

Now, if you were in the first group of people, you can either stop reading now and roll your eyes or you can read this letter and take responsibility for your extremely rude and hurtful behavior. I really must start off by painting you a vivid picture (for those of you who were supportive and there for me while this was happening, I know you will ALL vouch for me when I say this is NO EXAGGERATION). In December and through January, I started to get really sick, so sick that I actually didn’t even get to participate in New Year’s Eve. I SPENT MY NEW YEAR’S EVE ALONE IN MY BED!!! If that doesn’t tell you how sick I was, then I don’t know what will. Most of you are aware by now that I got Bronchitis and Pneumonia, both within a week or two between eachother. Anyways, to make a long story short, I was really fucking sick for over 30 days. During that time, I lost a lot of weight; really only about 10 lbs (which to most normal people would sound like nothing but on me looks like 40-50 lbs.) That was just the beginning because not only did I lose the weight but I could do nothing to make it come back. I have at least 10 people who can honestly say they watched me eat about 3,000 calories a day (I was also consuming 2-3 WEIGHT GAN SHAKES a day as well!!!!) I don’t know one girl who is desperate enough to gain weight that she would drink a weight gain shake so I hope that explaines how unhappy I was with my body. No matter what I ate, I just kept LOSING weight. I was pretty much convinced that I had a worm or something terribly wrong with me. A lot of you may not understand that this was actually worse than gaining 10 lbs because a lot of you would love to lose 10lbs without having to do anything. For me this was HELL!!!! I didn’t want to dress in front of a mirror, I wouldn’t dare get in a bathing suite and for the most part couldn’t fit into any of my clothes unless I was wearing one size fits all stretchy pants. I can honestly say, I felt uglier than I have ever felt in my entire life.

Now, to top allllllllllll that off, I had 1-2, sometimes 3 people coming up to me and (with disgust in their voice) telling me that I “looked so skinny”. For the people who watched my heart break and the vein pop out of my head every time I heard these words, I can not thank you enough for recognizing how much that hurt me and for looking at me in silence and saying through your eyes ”Don’t listen to that fucking bitch! You look beautiful!” On top of people telling me once or twice a day that I was too skinny, I had the occasional (and when I say occasional I mean once or twice a week) person also telling me that I “looked DISGUSTING” NO I AM NOT KIDDING!!! MORE THAN ONE PERSON A WEEK TOLD ME TO MY FACE THAT I LOOKED DISGUSTING!!!! All I could think to myself and say aloud was “I am well aware of what I look like” As if I didn’t fucking know!!!!! Or as if I was so “doped up” or messed up in the head to realize that I weighed 84 lbs!!!! I have one question to ask the people who brought this very appropriate information to my attention….”What the fuck is wrong with you?” I would NEVER and I mean NEVER say that to someone. If they gained weight, lost weight, or grew an elbow out of their chin, I mean COME ON!!! These are people who are supposed to be my FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! The funniest part is the ones who actually had the balls to say this shit to me, were my acquaintances who I used to have a few deep conversations with but nothing more, and one or two people who I actually used to be good friends with (but haven’t confided in them in at least 5-6 months otherwise they would know that a question like that is enough to literally send me over the edge)

Ok, now that the picture is painted, I really must say, that the people who this is mainly directed to (and you know who you are!!! Oh, and my real friends who heard me vent about it know who you are too by the way; you should be really embarrassed) that you are all really lucky that I am as strong of a person as I am because if I wasn’t I can assure you that you all would have a “disgusting, skinny” girl’s suicide on your conscience. Can you imagine, hearing how disgusting you look day after day two sometimes 3 times a day when you already felt that way already???? Are you picturing this??? There is NO EXCUSE, NO JUSTIFICATION, NO NOTHING, that you should be able to tell urself! I don’t care that you thought you were helping, or trying to “be there for me” you should be ashamed of yourselves!! Would you tell a “friend” she looked “disgusting” if she GAINED 10 lbs? NO YOU WOULDN”T because it is rude and inappropriate. Do you see where I am going with this???

For those of you who have “figured out my problem” let me just tell u that you haven’t figured out shit!!!! First of all, I know what each and everyone of you think and that is that im so drugged out that all I do is snort cocaine (and some of you are actually accusing me of using Meth after all the shit I’m going through with my sister, you obviously have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT IS UP!) and that’s why im so skinny. Well, if that were the case, then now more than ever I would be getting smaller and smaller. I don’t work for realtor.com anymore, in fact, I am starting my own business. So I’m home all day snorting coke right?!? Well for your information, in the last month (since I”ve been home working) I have put on 10 lbs! what a fucking surprise. This tells me that it wasn’t “a worm” like I thought it was and it wasn’t the fact that I’m the biggest druggie on planet Earth; it was stress related. If some of you might recall, the same thing happens everytime I get out of a serious relationship and it also happened when my dad passed.

You all want to know the most ironic part of this whole thing?!? When I actually was heavily using drugs and hiding it from everyone, NO ONE EVER QUESTIONED ME!!!! It wasn’t until after I put myself into an outpatient program (and went through the scariest time in my life; my withdrawl from Oxycotin) without ANYONE KNOWING, that people started to question me and ask me if I was on drugs. For those of you that have no idea what im talking about, let me just tell you the last piece of personal information that you will EVER receive from my lips. In October, I decided that was when I was going to stop taking pills and never touch them again. I had been using for over a year and for once, I meant it after attempting to quit countless other times. (just for a little background info) I was snorting 6, 80mg Oxycotins a day and eating 4 fetenall lollipops a day (those are for cancer patients) this was a habbit that I cant even believed I lived through and most of all cant even believe I financially supported for so long. The last month I used, I spent $6,000 in less than a month. When I decided enough was enough, I threw myself into what can only be described as the shit you see on t.v. The only person who knew I was going through this at that time, was my dealer. I called him because I thought I was going to need to go to the E.R. and he said the most memorable/inspiring thing to me; I will never forget it. He said, “you have two options right now. You can use and feel better, or you can power through” At this point in time, using sounded so fucking awesome but I knew that if I didn’t power through I was never getting myself out of this mess! I took the road less traveled and I SUCCESSFULLY powered through. I went through seizures, screaming, vomiting,m crying, shaking, chills, sweats, fever. You name it, I felt it. I really couldn’t believe it when I came out the other side and I was ALIVE. I felt for the first time in over a year. I only wish I had the shit on tape so I could remind myself how strong I am., and then I will never do that to myself again!!! FYI haven’t used pills since and have had PLENTY of access to them.i have no desire. That image of what I went through is permanatly burned into my skull!!!!

Ok, so I guess I’m done telling you all what assholes you are. If you were one of the sweethearts who are the inspiration behind this letter, don’t even think about apologizing now! I assure you, it will just piss me off even more. Your best bet is just to leave me alone and if your lucky then maybe one day I’ll enter your life again. Because trust me when I tell you this, I am one of the few people I know who is as understanding and generous as me. I never judge anyone, I always offer help in any way I can in every situation, I am generous with my money and I am actually going to go somewhere in life. Which is more than I can say for the majority of people who were passing judgement on me these last few months. I only wish I had a friend like me. If you’ve made it to my shit list, let me just tell you, that a lot of people have fucked me over in my life, but only a select few actually make it to the shit list so I must congratulate you, you are an even bigger asshole than you thought. Some of you do fall in the guilty category but didn’t push it as far as others, and that is why you didn’t make it as far as the shit list. But, I do promise you, nothing will be the same between us. I’ve seen a side of you that I can never erase from my head and will always remember that if the day comes that I do need help, I sure as hell won’t ask for help from you. I’ve seen how you “help” and frankly won’t ever need that kind of help, no matter what my problem is.